Best to Believe
by Dragon Elexus
Summary: Steven's back. He's back, he's home, he's safe, and Connie should be delirious with joy and relief. Somehow, she's not.


**Content Warning** : This story includes discussion of something dangerously close to suicidal tendencies.

 **Best to Believe**

At first, it's all a chaotic, happy jumble, with hugs and crying and laughing and among it all, somehow Connie is the first one to ask, "But how'd you even _get here_?"

It takes a while to get the story out. Partly because it's long and Steven has a habit of going on meandering tangents, and partly because he's still hungry and hugely dehydrated, so he has to keep stopping to drink and eat and go to the bathroom. Eventually the whole thing—the failed Topaz mutiny, the trial before the Diamonds, the off-colors, Lars' death and subsequent resurrection— all comes out. The Gems and Greg all interject with questions and comments, wanting clarification on this point or that. Connie has a few things to say too, but for the most part, she just sits there, listening, watching, taking it all in.

After the explanations are done, there are demonstrations. There are trips in and out of Lion's mane (to and from Homeworld), runs to the barn, supplies being ferried, families being called, plans being made. Lars is still trapped on Homeworld, in the company of Gem outcasts who refused to abandon him, and none of the Crystal Gems will rest until they're all safely on Earth.

… which is, of course, when Steven can no longer hide his yawns.

It's been an intense four or five days for him, and he hasn't gotten any sleep throughout any of it. Finally the adrenaline has worn off, and he's crashing.

Connie's tired too. She almost feels guilty about that. She's not the one who's been a fugitive on an alien planet, after all. But she _has_ been firing on all cylinders since Steven was kidnapped, helping with the spaceship repairs as much as she could. She's gone to bed every night, at both her parents' and Pearl's insistence, but she hasn't been sleeping very well. She can feel the exhaustion behind her eyes, on her shoulders, in her limbs.

It's nearly eleven. No way she's going home. Not now. Thankfully, her plan had always been to stay at the Temple. Now she'll just take the couch.

"No way," says Steven, through another yawn. "I'm not putting you there. You can have the bed."

"Well, I'm not making you sleep on the couch," says Connie.

"You could just share," suggests Amethyst.

It's an innocuous suggestion, but it still makes Connie feel very warm. Steven ducks his head, but he's smiling. And honestly, right now, she really doesn't want to let him out of her sight. So yeah. Same bed sounds great.

For all of Steven's protests about how there's ' _too much to do_ ', he's already fading by the time he pulls the covers over him. Connie slips in next to him. He curls up close to her, warm and solid. Connie wraps an arm around him, giving him a gentle squeeze.

She considers saying something then, but before she can find the words, she's cut off by a snore. Steven's already fast asleep.

Connie expects to follow him not long after, but for her, sleep is elusive. She'd probably be tossing and turning, if she wasn't afraid of waking Steven up. As it is, she just lies there, eyes squeezed shut but not sleeping. She doesn't know why. Steven's here now. He's safe. Even if he has to go back to Homeworld, it'll be on his terms, with all of the Crystal Gems at his back. It's fine. Everything's fine.

But somehow, it isn't.

She must have fallen asleep eventually, because the next thing she knows, she's waking up. The sunlight pulls at her, annoying and insistent. The windows of Steven's room are much larger than her own, and they have no blinds. The sun is just a thin strip of silver rising over the ocean, but it was enough to disturb her.

It's still pretty early in the morning. Connie's wondering if it might be worth trying to get another couple hours, and rolls over to try and get a look at the clock on the bedside table.

Steven's lying there, facing her, eyes wide open.

Connie stares at him.

Steven stares back.

"Hey," Steven eventually says, voice soft.

"Hey," Connie says back, voice equally so.

They stare at each other a little longer, blinking slowly.

There are many things she could do. She could close her eyes and go back to sleep. She could reach out and hug him. She could get up and go to the toilet. All of those sound very, very tempting.

But there are things that need to be said, so Connie forces herself to say them.

"Why did you _do_ that?"

"Do what?" Steven asks, as if he doesn't know.

"Hand yourself in!"

"It was— it was the only thing I _could_ do," says Steven. "I couldn't just let Aquamarine take you and stuff you into a zoo! And she had Alexandrite, she could've taken the Gems too. But the Diamonds are barely interested in humans. Mostly they're just mad at Rose Quartz, so I knew I'd be worth more and she'd leave you guys alone."

"But you didn't _know_ that!" Connie's voice comes out sharper than she intended. "That wand was crazy strong! She could've just taken you _and_ us! Did you even think of that?!"

Steven blinks, and from the expression on his face, Connie can tell that he hadn't.

"Well," he huffs, "she _didn't_."

He's not meeting her eyes. Under the covers, Connie's fist clench. "Steven, that wasn't the only way."

"Wasn't it?"

"No! Stevonnie could've taken Topaz out—"

"— _and_ Aquamarine's 'crazy strong' wand?" challenges Steven.

Connie falters a little, but she's not going to just let this go. "Maybe! At least they could've tried!" She presses her eyes shut. "Why didn't we _try,_ Steven?"

"Connie." Steven's voice sounds very small. "Is… is that why you're mad? Cuz I didn't fuse with you?"

 _I'm not mad at you_ , Connie almost says, automatically, but that'd be a lie. She opens her eyes, burning with tears. "I'm mad at you for going away like that! For just _leaving_ us! I'm not mad because we didn't fuse. I'm mad because you just— _gave up_! You were barely trying in that fight, you just kept going on about how it was all your fault—"

"It _was_ my fault, Connie! I gave them the names—"

"No, it wasn't!" Now Connie's sitting up, and practically yelling; she vaguely wonders if someone in the Temple can hear her. "Peridot gave Homeworld the names! She didn't even know what she was doing at the time, and neither did you! But none of that matters, because it was the _Diamonds_ who ordered Aquamarine to come to Earth and kidnap people—"

"But she only did that because of me! Because I dragged my Dad to Korea! And because Sapphire accidentally gave Blue Diamond the idea while rescuing him!"

"The Diamonds kidnapped people waaaay before you went to Korea, Steven!"

"Yeah, but it's only because of _me_ that they started doing it _now_!" Steven said, sitting up as well. "And it's only because of me they care about Earth at all! They're obsessed with Rose Quartz, they want justice for what they did, and I have Mom's gem, so I'm the only one who can give it to them!"

The anger flooded out of Connie, replaced with something much colder. More fearful.

"Justice?" she asks.

Steven nods. "Mom shattered Pink Diamond. Now they want to shatter her back—"

"That's not justice! That's _revenge_ ," Connie says. "And the situations—they're not the same, Steven. Don't you… don't you see that? The Diamonds, everything I've been told about them… they're terrible people. All of Homeworld is just—just slaves. And if those slaves do something wrong, or annoy them, or just come out different, the Diamonds shatter them. Is that right?"

"No. No, it's terrible—"

"Then stop acting like your mother was the real criminal for trying to stop them!"

The words comes out in a fierce whisper, leaving Connie strangely out of breath.

Steven watches, open mouthed, and slowly seems to deflate. Connie waits for him to either agree with her or deny, but instead he just says, "Look... it doesn't matter, okay? The Diamonds think Rose Quartz is on Homeworld. We can rescue Lars and the others, and the Diamonds will leave Earth alone, and everything will be okay."

"It _does_ matter." Connie reaches for Steven's hands. They're sweaty against her own clammy ones. "Steven..."

She's not sure how to put these things into words. All she knows is she had never, ever, in her entire life, felt as helpless as she did in the water; Steven staring down at her, completely out of her reach, as he gave up his life for her and the others.

That's what he'd done. Connie's certain of it. He was more than willing to die for them.

' _Everything you have, everything you are, you've got to give_ —'

She finally, finally understands why he was so scared when Pearl had first started training her.

Now the situation is reversed, and Connie's terrified for him. Because she's pretty certain that the only reason Steven even tried to escape from the trial was because he wanted to save Lars. Not himself. Lars.

"I just want you to be safe," she says.

"I am safe."

Connie shakes her head, because yes, he is, just this moment. But sooner or later he'll be going back to Homeworld, going back to battle, and she's afraid this will happen all over again. And if he turns himself in again, if he sacrifices himself, this time he'll probably be gone for good.

She can't ask him not to fight. He'd never accept that, and she's not sure she'd want him to.

Instead, she looks him directly in the eyes and says, "Promise me you'll look after yourself."

"Of course I will," Steven says, opening his arms wide. She falls into them. "Of course I will."

They hug each other, tight, and Connie tries her best to believe him.


End file.
